literature

Mars Remembrance

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RevealedFromtheVoy's avatar
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Literature Text

He was sitting on the grass, biting in an apple. Juice flowed over his chin. He munched on his apple quietly.

Lost in his thoughts, his gaze looking at the far-off city. His people had terraformed Mars about a thousand years ago. Since then, people could walk and live on Mars’ surface without having to worry about heavy suits and oxygen masks. But it wasn’t really Mars. The true Mars had a salmon sky, dust everywhere, red rocks, a toxic atmosphere. Then mankind crashed into it and denatured it.

As he was looking melancholically into the blue sky, the head of his companion appeared in his eyesight. She had violet hair and dark brown skin. She was smiling. Her view cheered him up. He stood up, in front of her. As she smiled again, he took her in his arms and kissed her.

Even if this sky wasn’t the original sky of Mars, it was his sky. He smiled too, and walked to the city while taking the hand of his girlfriend. He was not only heading towards the city, he was also heading towards his future, the future of mankind.
Comments3
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Refugnic's avatar
Hmm...well, you asked me for my opinion.

I will be honest, this isn't exactly 'stellar writing'. (Mine isn't either, so don't worry about that).

What I liked: I didn't really spot any typos, which is often found in pieces of writers who don't care (or in longer pieces of writers who do care, spellcheck just never catches them all.
What I didn't like was the missing of composite sentences. Your sentences sound superficially short.

Imagine if someone talked to you this way. It doesn't feel natural, does it?

An example sentence: We went hiking last weekend. The weather was nice. We had so much fun.
And now an alternative sentence: Last weekend, we went hiking. The weather was great and we had so much fun! I can't wait to go again.

Basically same content, but the second one feels more natural, doesn't it?
Play with the language. Read what you wrote out loud and ask yourself if it sounds like what you imagined it.

Furthermore, you get to the point very quickly...there's nothing wrong with that, per se, but a story is a journey.
Sure, you can just drive or even fly in a straight line, eyes on the road for the entire way...or you can take a detour, make a break a scenic place, maybe meet someone interesting, maybe even the love of your life.
The end result is the same, you arrive where you wanted to go.
The direct road is faster, but in a story, 'the direct path' is almost never the way to go.

There's a few wordings I thought odd.
'his gaze looking at the far-off city'. How about: 'Lost in his thought, he gazed towards the far-away city'?
'The head of his companion appeared in his eyesight'...personally I would rephrase that to: 'The familiar head of his girlfriend suddenly popped in from above him, her violet hair tickling his nose as she greeted him. Her dark brown skin gleamed in the gentle sunlight and her infectious smile cheered him up.' or something like that.

I think that's enough picking apart for the time being and I hope you aren't angry, but you did ask for my opinion. :D
(Oh and you were right, it was short. In fact, I believe my comment is longer :P)